#20. Christians are confusing

Well, if you're a Christian, you've probably said many things in your life that have outright confused people outside the faith. Exhibit A...

"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them"

Redeems them for what? Jesus saves sinners and redeems them... for cash and valuable prizes? Jesus collects sinners and trades them in for moolah and a new bike? What? Ok that one is not /so/ confusing... but...

How about "I found Jesus!"

You "found" Him? Were you guys playing a rousing game of Holy Hide'n'Seek? Where did you find Him? Was He behind the couch the whole time like the t-shirt said? Was He secretly camped out in the treehouse?

I guess these could be a bit farfetched... but if we wish to be understood, we should drop the metaphors, analogies whatever the literary term is and talk in a way that makes sense. Thanks :D

addendum

I just realised I bought two pairs of "funny glasses" today. Actually they are Rivers Cuomo glasses. But when Christians wear them they become funny glasses.

#19. How To Be A Christian Without Being Weird!

So as I was Googling for stuff to write about, I came across a book on Amazon entitled Can I Be A Christian Without Being Weird? The answer is no. Anyway, here's the product description:

As a Christian you know you're supposed to be different. But how weird do you have to be? Does it mean:

Bizarre looks-hoisted pants, yuck hair, and funny glasses?

Strange talk-always quoting the Bible and saying "Praise Jesus"?

Unbelievable actions-running to the lunchroom supervisor to explain who started the food fight?

Jesus doesn't tell Christians to ware strange hats or to shave their heads. What makes a Christian different from other people is that he or she is learning to love God totally and learning to love others unselfishly. Now that is weird because so few people, kids or adults, follow these commands of Jesus. In a crowd, a Christian living like Jesus expects really stands out, and that can be tough.

If you want to understand what the Bible says about a real relationship with Jesus Christ, the forty-five short devotionals in this book address the crucial junior high needs of:

Getting to know God.

Following Christ without being weird.

Letting God shape self-image.

Learning to talk to God.

Being a Christian, surviving Junior High and keeping your friends it's possible!

Apparently this book is aimed at middle school kids who desire to love Jesus but don't know if it's worth it considering you instantly become one of those "weird Christian kids" that everyone talks about and tells stories about "praying" or "talking to the ceiling" as the "bullies" call "it". Whatever "it" is. "I" really need "to" stop using so many "quotation marks". I'm sure it's getting on your "nerves". Ok I'm "done". No seriously I "am". See? No more. Anyway I thought I would compile a little something about this.

How To Not Be A Weird Christian by KC:

1. Well first of all to not be a weird Christian you must not under any circumstances have a blog about God. That's just weird. Sorry Jon, Caleb, Matt, I guess we're already weird Christians and the rest of this list cannot redeem us.
2. Get one of those cool WWJD bracelets. Everyone has them. They say "hey look at me I love Jesus but I'm still cool because I wear bracelets that everyone has."
3. You can't read the actual Bible. You have to read The Message because it has a cool name that will make you seem cool. The name sounds like some kind of mystery. The Message. The Message about what? The Message of...? You get my drift.
4. Don't wear t-shirts about Christianity. The only cool way to be a Christian is to be ridiculously ashamed of your faith.
5. Speaking of being ridiculously ashamed of your faith... the only proper way to answer someone when they ask you if you are a Christian you must tell them "sort of"
6. You only go to church "sometimes" when in reality you are dragged there every week by someone who is obviously a religious fanatic.
7. You can like Veggie Tales but only secretly. Under no circumstances must you own a Veggie Tales colouring book. Looks like I'm out.
8. You can't give out John Calvin Points. I mean that would be super lame. Every time you give them out you would have to explain to people who John Calvin is if they don't know and that would just make you appear super religious and you don't want that. And the people who do know who John Calvin is would make fun of you for giving out points about him.
9. The only acceptable hand raising is the watermelon toss. End of story.

Which cool Christian rules have you broken recently? Story time!

yo dudes... long time no... write?

hey guys, sorry i just dropped off the face of the earth for a few months. i got really busy and then i was doing work crew at a younglife camp all of June. Nothing much has been going on, but I'm glad to be back. I was thinking of adding another thing to this blog. Instead of always just posting morsels of Christianized hilarity, I would like to post more often serious posts about God, containing much comic relief, of course. In other news, I prayed for the first time in 3 weeks and my life already seems a lot better. Yay God!

btdub... i have some more projects going on. Two personal blogs: I Wish I Was Cool Like You and 10 Words Or Less. I also have a Twitter so you can follow me in all three places as well :D

#18. Computers.

If God needed a computer, what operating system would he use? What does he use to keep a database? Is the Book of Life digitized? Let's find out. Let's say God was gonna use his tractor beam to yoink a computer from the store. Wait? God's stealing? No, silly. He already has the rights to the computer. He kind of made the elements that were used to build the computer components.

Anyway, let's say there is Apple OS X, Microsoft Windows XP and God also has the option to download Linux from His other heavenly computer and boot it on the new one. Which one would He choose?

Well, not Microsoft Windows. Because PEBCAK happens to often with that. And God is not a problem. That basically rules out Microsoft. It's also a proven fact that God hates Internet Explorer. Look:

23 By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. 24 Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Windows and Internet Explorer—from the LORD out of the heavens. 25 Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
Genesis 19:23-25

Apparently, this verse also means that once you go Mac you never go back. Unless you want to be a pillar of salt. Which means that horses and cows would be licking you for the rest of your life.

God would buy a Mac. Why? Macs are so cool. Macs don't crash (which means that Macs didn't eat from the tree of knowledge) so God likes them a lot better. Actually. He likes all the computers the same. He just spends more time with the Mac.

God doesn't like Linux either. Why? Because it annoys people. He's not a people, obviously, but I'm sure He doesn't like people freaking out because they crashed their computer trying to install Fedora Core 10.

Sorry this was more of a rant than a post, but I hope it was entertaining.

im conflicted

ok, this has nothing to do with the theme of this blog
but
help me out
on March 12 there is a battle of the bands at my school, after which I was planning to have some friends over for a slumber party. Also, I just discovered that Alesana, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Fear Before, and I Set My Friends On Fire are playing the Masquerade. I can't decide which to go to. Help.

I made a shirt

It's pretty freakin legit. And it has a barcode so now you belong to me. Not really. But you should check it. Make the view bigger so you can see what it looks like.
Get it here.