#18. Computers.

If God needed a computer, what operating system would he use? What does he use to keep a database? Is the Book of Life digitized? Let's find out. Let's say God was gonna use his tractor beam to yoink a computer from the store. Wait? God's stealing? No, silly. He already has the rights to the computer. He kind of made the elements that were used to build the computer components.

Anyway, let's say there is Apple OS X, Microsoft Windows XP and God also has the option to download Linux from His other heavenly computer and boot it on the new one. Which one would He choose?

Well, not Microsoft Windows. Because PEBCAK happens to often with that. And God is not a problem. That basically rules out Microsoft. It's also a proven fact that God hates Internet Explorer. Look:

23 By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. 24 Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Windows and Internet Explorer—from the LORD out of the heavens. 25 Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
Genesis 19:23-25

Apparently, this verse also means that once you go Mac you never go back. Unless you want to be a pillar of salt. Which means that horses and cows would be licking you for the rest of your life.

God would buy a Mac. Why? Macs are so cool. Macs don't crash (which means that Macs didn't eat from the tree of knowledge) so God likes them a lot better. Actually. He likes all the computers the same. He just spends more time with the Mac.

God doesn't like Linux either. Why? Because it annoys people. He's not a people, obviously, but I'm sure He doesn't like people freaking out because they crashed their computer trying to install Fedora Core 10.

Sorry this was more of a rant than a post, but I hope it was entertaining.

#13. I don't wanna read the book, I'll watch the movie.

So today I had a guitar lesson. And I learned the solo to this song and some wicked-sick Russian-y sounding scales.

I have two things to say about this song. The first thing is that 1997 was not the year for fashion.
The second thing is the fact that I think we're lazy. We just sit around in the same place, doing the same things over and over again. God gave us LEGS so we could go DO STUFF and not sit around doing nothing. You best get out and enjoy your life or God will smite you with an iron fist. Actually, He probably won't, but nevertheless, there will be a "Hey God, will You, um, smite this guy? He's not enjoying his life like I told him to." Also, I have something to say about the part of the song that the title refers to. Yes, this song is about the intro to chemistry class at USCD, but you know what else? What if the Bible was a movie? What if there was a movie about God? That would suck. You know why? Because I would be less obliged to read the Bible (ESV of course) and spend time with God than I already am. Also, if the Bible were made into a movie, it would be kind of violent and gross, sometimes. Just read Leviticus. I don't wanna watch a movie that visually depicts this stuff.
I mean, imagine you're watching a movie and then, out of nowhere, the narrator starts talking and is accompanied by a lovely picture:
narrator: and then the LORD said to Moses, "if anyone has an infectious skin disease and the skin is..."

OK. Stop there. I don't want to know about your skin disease. I really don't. Sorry God, but I don't see why I should know about this skin disease. I really don't. Someone please enlighten me.
But back to the seriousness, Bible movie = people not spending time with God. More so than we already are. Laziness. No spiritual growth. That's gotta suck. Also, I felt kind of spiritually lazy after listening to this song. Not to say that all life's problems are caused by not spending time with The Mighty Tsunami (my new favourite name for God, not really, but it gets inquiries) but they could get better if you go to God instead of going to The Bible Movie or doing nothing and hoping that whatever it is goes away on it's own.

By the way, I'm not writing this post so I can say, "Look how holy I am. I should get 1000000.31 John Calvin points." I'm writing it because I need to hear it more that anyone else who reads this.

#11. If the Pillsbury Doughboy had a Facebook, I'd poke him 24/7

I love Facebook poking. I love poking other people, but I absolutely despise when they poke me. It's so friggin annoying. It's like, "Hi, I'm here, do you see me?" I KNOW YOU'RE THERE STOP POKING ME!!!

What would it look like if God had a Facebook? Would you poke Him? Would He poke you? Would there now be an option that only God could use called "give Skittles"? Would there be a human option called "eat Skittles"? I hope so. That would be so cool.

First of all, to poke God, He would have to be a physical being. And then I'd like to imagine that if God were a physical being and you could poke Him, then your finger would become eternal as well. It would be like *poke* "Oh crap I think my finger just destroyed the space-time continuum!" That would be weird. Fingers turning eternal could cause all sorts of problems to the universe.

I think it would be kinda pointless to poke God, because it's like, "hey God, when am I gonna get that raise/job/new car/acceptance letter to Jesus Power Holiness Bible College of Jesus?" Seriously. Chill out. God knows you're there and He knows what you want, and if it's supposed to happen then you'll get what you want eventually. I'm really glad God doesn't get annoyed by my theoretical "poking" Him all the time. Because if He got annoyed how I get annoyed when people Facebook poke me, I think that all Christians would be in deep doo-doo. We'd be in danger of being smitten all the time. That would kinda suck. I'm glad that God's merciful and doesn't get pissed when we remind Him of stuff like we think He would forget or something.



--DREW EDIT--

i am honored to have been given the privilege of being an editor of the awesome (or as Christy would call it, awes) KC’s Jesus blog, and me and kara decided we would work on this one cooperatively. so you’ll see me every now and then.

so, kara’s just talked about poking God. but what about a situation in which God pokes us? not in the sense that you’d get a notification on facebook (“you’ve been poked by Jesus Christ!! take revenge and poke Jesus back!), and not that a finger emitting blinding light would appear out of nowhere and poke your shoulder, cause that would be plain out freaky (someone should add that to the SuperPoke app). but more so in the form of an occasional and/or emotional nudge at your conscience that im sure many of us have felt, from atheists to the firmest believers.

everyone makes mistakes, everyone turns their back on God every day, all the time. imagine you have a friend you love with all your soul who suddenly begins to ignore you or try to avoid you. Would you not try to get their attention? hello, i still exist you know, and I still love you. HELLLLOO I THOUGHT WE WERE BFF’S YO WHAT HAPPENED?!? we may poke them in the back, or if that seems too obnoxious, we might attempt to reach them by phone or talk in person so you can be noticed by him/her again. maybe he/she will reject you again, but maybe its worth the risk to try and get him/her to be friends with you again.

feel like you are getting poked? is your conscience telling you to not lie or steal? do you feel guilty for not going to church? can you feel something in the air reminding you that you haven’t prayed or read your bible in a while? if you feel lost or alone, turn back around to God! respond to His pokes, His attempts at getting you to run back to Him. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect and constantly do these things because He knows we can’t, but He would love the occasional phone call. just dial 555-JESUS-SAVES its toll free!

#9. Absolutely Zero

I'm going to try out this thing called being philosophical on occasion. See if I'm good at it. If I can pull it off and still manage to ensue hilarity. I hope you enjoy this, and if you don't, please fight the urge to stone me with Skittles.

So on Sunday, in STFL (Student Theological Foundations for Leaders, in case you didn't know) we were talking about how God is outside of time and whatnot. Which is weird, but cool, albeit confusing. So I turned on the "what should I write in my blog" portion of my brain and began thinking of a logical reason for God being outside of time, besides the obvious, "He's God so He can do whatever He wants." and the, "He's eternal." No really? Really. But everyone knew that. Really.

So I started thinking about the definition of time. Basically time is defined as linear. And time can only happen when atoms are in motion, as in vibrating and bouncing off of each other. Absolute zero is defined as the temperature at which atoms stop moving completely. Therefore when something reaches absolute zero, time no longer exists for said object.

Although God is not an object, made up of atoms and molecules, and temperature does not apply to God, I think if a physical object could theoretically be ushered into His presence, then by being in the presence of God, it would freeze the object to absolute zero, and this object would cease to exist inside of time.

I would write more, but being philosophical is not something I do naturally, and I think I might explode.
Speaking of explode, atoms will explode at absolute zero, and therefore cease to exist at all.