10.02.2009

#20. Christians are confusing

Well, if you're a Christian, you've probably said many things in your life that have outright confused people outside the faith. Exhibit A...

"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them"

Redeems them for what? Jesus saves sinners and redeems them... for cash and valuable prizes? Jesus collects sinners and trades them in for moolah and a new bike? What? Ok that one is not /so/ confusing... but...

How about "I found Jesus!"

You "found" Him? Were you guys playing a rousing game of Holy Hide'n'Seek? Where did you find Him? Was He behind the couch the whole time like the t-shirt said? Was He secretly camped out in the treehouse?

I guess these could be a bit farfetched... but if we wish to be understood, we should drop the metaphors, analogies whatever the literary term is and talk in a way that makes sense. Thanks :D

7.27.2009

addendum

I just realised I bought two pairs of "funny glasses" today. Actually they are Rivers Cuomo glasses. But when Christians wear them they become funny glasses.

7.24.2009

#19. How To Be A Christian Without Being Weird!

So as I was Googling for stuff to write about, I came across a book on Amazon entitled Can I Be A Christian Without Being Weird? The answer is no. Anyway, here's the product description:

As a Christian you know you're supposed to be different. But how weird do you have to be? Does it mean:

Bizarre looks-hoisted pants, yuck hair, and funny glasses?

Strange talk-always quoting the Bible and saying "Praise Jesus"?

Unbelievable actions-running to the lunchroom supervisor to explain who started the food fight?

Jesus doesn't tell Christians to ware strange hats or to shave their heads. What makes a Christian different from other people is that he or she is learning to love God totally and learning to love others unselfishly. Now that is weird because so few people, kids or adults, follow these commands of Jesus. In a crowd, a Christian living like Jesus expects really stands out, and that can be tough.

If you want to understand what the Bible says about a real relationship with Jesus Christ, the forty-five short devotionals in this book address the crucial junior high needs of:

Getting to know God.

Following Christ without being weird.

Letting God shape self-image.

Learning to talk to God.

Being a Christian, surviving Junior High and keeping your friends it's possible!

Apparently this book is aimed at middle school kids who desire to love Jesus but don't know if it's worth it considering you instantly become one of those "weird Christian kids" that everyone talks about and tells stories about "praying" or "talking to the ceiling" as the "bullies" call "it". Whatever "it" is. "I" really need "to" stop using so many "quotation marks". I'm sure it's getting on your "nerves". Ok I'm "done". No seriously I "am". See? No more. Anyway I thought I would compile a little something about this.


How To Not Be A Weird Christian by KC:

  1. Well first of all to not be a weird Christian you must not under any circumstances have a blog about God. That's just weird. Sorry Jon, Caleb, Matt, I guess we're already weird Christians and the rest of this list cannot redeem us.
  2. Get one of those cool WWJD bracelets. Everyone has them. They say "hey look at me I love Jesus but I'm still cool because I wear bracelets that everyone has."
  3. You can't read the actual Bible. You have to read The Message because it has a cool name that will make you seem cool. The name sounds like some kind of mystery. The Message. The Message about what? The Message of...? You get my drift.
  4. Don't wear t-shirts about Christianity. The only cool way to be a Christian is to be ridiculously ashamed of your faith.
  5. Speaking of being ridiculously ashamed of your faith... the only proper way to answer someone when they ask you if you are a Christian you must tell them "sort of"
  6. You only go to church "sometimes" when in reality you are dragged there every week by someone who is obviously a religious fanatic.
  7. You can like Veggie Tales but only secretly. Under no circumstances must you own a Veggie Tales colouring book. Looks like I'm out.
  8. You can't give out John Calvin Points. I mean that would be super lame. Every time you give them out you would have to explain to people who John Calvin is if they don't know and that would just make you appear super religious and you don't want that. And the people who do know who John Calvin is would make fun of you for giving out points about him.
  9. The only acceptable hand raising is the watermelon toss. End of story.
Which cool Christian rules have you broken recently? Story time!


yo dudes... long time no... write?

hey guys, sorry i just dropped off the face of the earth for a few months. i got really busy and then i was doing work crew at a younglife camp all of June. Nothing much has been going on, but I'm glad to be back. I was thinking of adding another thing to this blog. Instead of always just posting morsels of Christianized hilarity, I would like to post more often serious posts about God, containing much comic relief, of course. In other news, I prayed for the first time in 3 weeks and my life already seems a lot better. Yay God!

btdub... i have some more projects going on. Two personal blogs: I Wish I Was Cool Like You and 10 Words Or Less. I also have a Twitter so you can follow me in all three places as well :D

2.05.2009

#18. Computers.

If God needed a computer, what operating system would he use? What does he use to keep a database? Is the Book of Life digitized? Let's find out. Let's say God was gonna use his tractor beam to yoink a computer from the store. Wait? God's stealing? No, silly. He already has the rights to the computer. He kind of made the elements that were used to build the computer components.

Anyway, let's say there is Apple OS X, Microsoft Windows XP and God also has the option to download Linux from His other heavenly computer and boot it on the new one. Which one would He choose?

Well, not Microsoft Windows. Because PEBCAK happens to often with that. And God is not a problem. That basically rules out Microsoft. It's also a proven fact that God hates Internet Explorer. Look:

23 By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. 24 Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Windows and Internet Explorer—from the LORD out of the heavens. 25 Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.
Genesis 19:23-25

Apparently, this verse also means that once you go Mac you never go back. Unless you want to be a pillar of salt. Which means that horses and cows would be licking you for the rest of your life.

God would buy a Mac. Why? Macs are so cool. Macs don't crash (which means that Macs didn't eat from the tree of knowledge) so God likes them a lot better. Actually. He likes all the computers the same. He just spends more time with the Mac.

God doesn't like Linux either. Why? Because it annoys people. He's not a people, obviously, but I'm sure He doesn't like people freaking out because they crashed their computer trying to install Fedora Core 10.

Sorry this was more of a rant than a post, but I hope it was entertaining.

2.04.2009

im conflicted

ok, this has nothing to do with the theme of this blog
but
help me out
on March 12 there is a battle of the bands at my school, after which I was planning to have some friends over for a slumber party. Also, I just discovered that Alesana, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Fear Before, and I Set My Friends On Fire are playing the Masquerade. I can't decide which to go to. Help.

1.31.2009

I made a shirt

It's pretty freakin legit. And it has a barcode so now you belong to me. Not really. But you should check it. Make the view bigger so you can see what it looks like.
Get it here.

1.30.2009

#17. T-shirts, happiness and Jesus camp

First of all, I am seriously thinking about making some shirts. I'll post some designs in a bit.

Secondly, I'm happy! Which is really really really super freaking exciting! Thank you Hannah Adams and Jon Foreman. And, I discovered that if you are happy, you are more likely to do a successful handspring.

Thirdly
Jesus camp is legit.

Today I heard this commercial on my local Christian radio station about this Christian camp expo. It was quite hilarious.
It was like
"Welcome to camp Wegotyougotyou"
"are we gonna go hiking and climbing?"
"no, too dangerous. Today we are doing basket-weaving and poetry."
"are we gonna go rafting?"
"too dangerous. We're making pottery and then having a seminar on camp hygiene"
and it goes on like that
and then the kid says
"I should have gone to the 104.7 The Fish summer camp expo."

And I started thinking how Christian camps can be dangerous, but that just makes them more saturated in Jesus-osity and Christian love. This is why camp is dangerous:

  1. There are trees and roots everywhere. Someone's gonna run into a tree and fall over, scrape their leg up and not be able to walk for the rest of the day. Or what about that kid that trips over the root at night and rolls down the hill? Oh, that was me.
  2. The showers do not respond to you altering the temperature. I mean, you put it on cold and it scalds you, you put it on hot and it still scalds you, and you only have two minutes to take a shower without getting third degree burns. And all the while, there is a counselor yelling and hitting the door impatiently waiting for you to get dressed and get out of the shower because apparently it's been "10 minutes already"
  3. You know that thing where there are wires between the trees and you have to walk on them without falling off? Well, someone's gonna fall off and hit their head on a log. Or, someone's gonna fall and slice their leg open on the wire.
  4. I'm pretty sure a bug touched my toothbrush while I was sleeping.
  5. Scorpions. They will get in your bed. They did to my friend when we were like in 5th grade. There was 10 scorpions on her leg.
  6. Ever noticed how when you go to camp the stinging bugs get a whole lot bigger?
I love camp so much. And the physical hurt means nothing. But it makes a good story and its fun to share!

Getting hurt at camp stories, anyone? Post in comments.

1.29.2009

Of Switchfoot, Stress and School (A Post from Drew)

Hi this is drew again, but this time im not randomly editing. this is my own kinda post. kara said i could if i wanted to and this is something i wanted to get down in print.

(i apologize in advance if the tone is less upbeat and amusing than usual b/c its late and im not very happy right now as you will see later)

to start off, lemme say im a huge switchfoot fan and i have drawn so much encouragement and joy from each of their songs. ive currently been listening to jon foreman, their singer, in his solo work. its great stuff.

so, while listening to jon play his guitar and sing i was sitting here more distressed than i have been in quite a while. i was close to having an emotional breakdown. all because of this stupid project i was nowhere near done for an art class. come on. i took it with the assumption it would be a slacker class to balance out my rough schedule. tonight i had gotten a bit done and realized it was all wrong. while fixing it i could keep nothing on my mind execpt the wonder of how something so insignificant as some pieces of paper could make me like that.

then jon's lyrics sort of drowned out the stress for a moment. in his song "your love is strong," the words just kinda hit me. this is just one of the many messeges in this masterpiece of a song, by the way.

"So why should i worry
Why do i freak out
God knows what i need
You know what i need"

why should i worry about how these squares arent fitting right? He knows what i need! if you know me well you know that i freak out rather easily, and it often ends up as quite an overexageration. why do i freak out? God will provide me with what i need. now, im not saying i will never do a busy work project again, because then i will get zeroes. but i need to learn that there is absolutely no reason to worry about what i will eat, what will i wear, how can i get this to work because He provides. i havent even tried finishing this project of tonight, i hope to get an extra day from my teacher. but there is no reason to worry..im sure my future wont be altered by this piece of crap :p

jon goes on to say that "Your love is strong" over and over again in the chorus. simply pausing and hearing that gives me encouragement when i feel without strength. His love is strong enough to get me through the long weeks, to give me my daily bread, to pick me back up no matter how far i may fall.

"Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong"

1.26.2009

#15. Twizzlers, Goldfish, Skittles and bootleg cookies.

SCL has already covered the Skittles, Goldfish and bootleg cookies well enough, but I found a new bootleg Oreo in science class. We were weighing the cookies and the filling and figuring out which one was the best buy based on which was more mass of cookie for cheaper. Turns out bootleg cookies are actually a rip off. These cookies, called Kid-O's cost more per 50 grams than Double Stuff Oreos. Seriously. Ask my chemistry teacher.

Also, I have a proposal for a Christianized Goldfish. I mean it's already a fish, but then it could have a cross for an eye, or something like that and it could be marketed as Godfish.

Last Monday I went downtown and volunteered at City Of Refuge with my youth group. They said they had way too many Twizzlers and demanded that each of us take a bag. I was ecstatic because I haven't had Twizzlers since camp. So naturally, I got home and ate half of them. But the reason I am telling this story is because I want to show you why Twizzlers can and should be youth group/VBS food.

Youth pastors/people in charge of VBS should buy Twizzlers because:
  1. They are candy and straws. Who doesn't like edible straws? Except those cereal straws are kind of repulsive. Really? Who wants a straw that decomposes while you're using it? Not me.
  2. They instantaneously make your water taste like strawberries and it adds an extra special flavour to sodas.
  3. Jesus likes Twizzlers slightly more than bootleg cookies. And Jesus likes cookies, a lot.
  4. They are so freakin cheap, and adults hate them, therefore none of the chaperones will eat all the Twizzlers
  5. They have a hole in them, which basically means it should be used as a straw.
Got anything to add?

drew: yes. i hate twizzlers xD

1.24.2009

#14. Describe Grapefruit/Ascribe Greatness to the Lord Our God.

Here's a collection of weird Christian stuff and some misheard church songs and whatnot. Happy Saturday!

Bringing In The Sheeves, or bringing in the cheese. This goes back to Harvest Moon and all the farming. Once the cheese is done curdling, you can bring it in, and sing this song.

Amazing Grace. You know that part about the dangers, the toils and the snares? What about the "dangerous toys and snails"? "Mommy, are any of my toys the dangerous ones?"

You know how in that song Everlasting God it says "You're the defender of the weak"? Sometimes, if you're a little tired you start thinking that God won some kind of soccer award.

Christ Arose. It says "up from the grave He arose", but there are so many kids that hear "up from the gravy, a rose". Imagine Thanksgiving dinner. "Mommy, is a rose gonna come out of the gravy? I don't want thorns on my turkey."

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. One of my favourite songs ever. Seriously. But, I can't tell you how many people have heard "O Love that will not let me know..."
"What won't the love let me know? I'm full of suspense... TELL ME!!"

Deck The Halls. "See the grazing mule before us" is actually "see the blazing yule before us". I still hear that even though I know the right words.

A note on irrelevance. I hate being called irrelevant. Most people do, especially pastors. I'm thinking if a pastor wants to be really relevant, and get lots of compliments on how relevant his sermon was, he should make a holy analogy about counting the lights in the auditorium, or the cushiness or lack thereof in the chairs, or compare Jesus to walking into church that morning or something like that. You would get so many relevance points for that.

Here's some irrelevant Christian weirdness:

1. The Football Bible. Because the best outreach to football players is making a Bible about football. Jesus didn't play football.

This Bible comes complete with tips on how to Christianize your football lingo and also has 50 blank playbook pages!


2. Ezekiel 4:9 foods. I don't know what these are made out of, but if I had a guess it would be food made out of little pieces of paper with Ezekiel 4:9 written on them. I don't even know what that verse says. But I bet the people who eat this do, because they are holier than I am.



3. Walk In The Light Bible flashlight. I wouldn't have any problem with this, but it makes me think of the most tiring song about Jesus ever created. It basically involves singing really really really fast and "walking in the Light".


4. Bible Bar. If you want to be really holy you should eat this, and this alone. As you can see, this is nutrition God's way. So if you only ate this, you would have a perfect body and no health problems. Sign me up for the Deuteronomy Diet!



Got any misheard church songs or irrelevance you would like to share? Comment!


--DREW EDIT--
i think this jesus action figure fits perfectly with this post

"with poseable arms and gliding action!"
...yeah.

1.23.2009

#13. I don't wanna read the book, I'll watch the movie.

So today I had a guitar lesson. And I learned the solo to this song and some wicked-sick Russian-y sounding scales.

I have two things to say about this song. The first thing is that 1997 was not the year for fashion.
The second thing is the fact that I think we're lazy. We just sit around in the same place, doing the same things over and over again. God gave us LEGS so we could go DO STUFF and not sit around doing nothing. You best get out and enjoy your life or God will smite you with an iron fist. Actually, He probably won't, but nevertheless, there will be a "Hey God, will You, um, smite this guy? He's not enjoying his life like I told him to." Also, I have something to say about the part of the song that the title refers to. Yes, this song is about the intro to chemistry class at USCD, but you know what else? What if the Bible was a movie? What if there was a movie about God? That would suck. You know why? Because I would be less obliged to read the Bible (ESV of course) and spend time with God than I already am. Also, if the Bible were made into a movie, it would be kind of violent and gross, sometimes. Just read Leviticus. I don't wanna watch a movie that visually depicts this stuff.
I mean, imagine you're watching a movie and then, out of nowhere, the narrator starts talking and is accompanied by a lovely picture:
narrator: and then the LORD said to Moses, "if anyone has an infectious skin disease and the skin is..."

OK. Stop there. I don't want to know about your skin disease. I really don't. Sorry God, but I don't see why I should know about this skin disease. I really don't. Someone please enlighten me.
But back to the seriousness, Bible movie = people not spending time with God. More so than we already are. Laziness. No spiritual growth. That's gotta suck. Also, I felt kind of spiritually lazy after listening to this song. Not to say that all life's problems are caused by not spending time with The Mighty Tsunami (my new favourite name for God, not really, but it gets inquiries) but they could get better if you go to God instead of going to The Bible Movie or doing nothing and hoping that whatever it is goes away on it's own.

By the way, I'm not writing this post so I can say, "Look how holy I am. I should get 1000000.31 John Calvin points." I'm writing it because I need to hear it more that anyone else who reads this.

1.22.2009

#12. Say cheese.

Actually, don't.
Let's find out why. God doesn't like cheese. This is why:

33The LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying, 34"When you come into the land of Canaan, which I give you for a possession, and I put a case of leprous disease in a house in the land of your possession, 35then he who owns the house shall come and tell the priest, 'There seems to me to be some case of disease in my house.' 36Then the priest shall command that they empty the house before the priest goes to examine the disease, lest all that is in the house be declared unclean. And afterward the priest shall go in to see the house. 37And he shall examine the disease. And if the disease is in the walls of the house with greenish or reddish spots, and if it appears to be deeper than the surface, 38then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house and shut up the house seven days. 39And the priest shall come again on the seventh day, and look. If the disease has spread in the walls of the house, 40then the priest shall command that they take out the stones in which is the disease and throw them into an unclean place outside the city. 41And he shall have the inside of the house scraped all around, and the plaster that they scrape off they shall pour out in an unclean place outside the city. 42Then they shall take other stones and put them in the place of those stones, and he shall take other plaster and plaster the house.

43"If the disease breaks out again in the house, after he has taken out the stones and scraped the house and plastered it, 44then the priest shall go and look. And if the disease has spread in the house, it is a persistent leprous disease in the house; it is unclean. 45And he shall break down the house, its stones and timber and all the plaster of the house, and he shall carry them out of the city to an unclean place. 46Moreover, whoever enters the house while it is shut up shall be unclean until the evening, 47and whoever sleeps in the house shall wash his clothes, and whoever eats in the house shall wash his clothes.

48"But if the priest comes and looks, and if the disease has not spread in the house after the house was plastered, then the priest shall pronounce the house clean, for the disease is healed. 49And for the cleansing of the house he shall take two small birds, with cedarwood and scarlet yarn and hyssop, 50and shall kill one of the birds in an earthenware vessel over fresh water 51and shall take the cedarwood and the hyssop and the scarlet yarn, along with the live bird, and dip them in the blood of the bird that was killed and in the fresh water and sprinkle the house seven times. 52Thus he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird and with the fresh water and with the live bird and with the cedarwood and hyssop and scarlet yarn. 53And he shall let the live bird go out of the city into the open country. So he shall make atonement for the house, and it shall be clean."

Leviticus 14:33-53 (ESV)

So if you read this, you would clearly see how much God doesn't like mold. And I mean why should anyone like mold? That's gross. Apparently, mold is a big deal. I mean if you get any mold, God makes you kill a birdy. Killing birdies is sad.

But the cheese that God hates the most in Bleu. Why? It's all freaking mold. None of it is actual solidified cow juice. It's all freaking mold. And it tastes really crappy as well. God doesn't like food that tastes crappy.

Next time you order a salad and it has cheese on it you should go outside the restaurant and find two birds. Kill one of them and sprinkle the blood on the salad. Then it is clean and you can now eat it. Then let the other bird go into the restaurant and scream "JESUS!!!" like that guy at that concert.

I can't think of anything to post at the moment

so watch this video

video

1.20.2009

#11. If the Pillsbury Doughboy had a Facebook, I'd poke him 24/7

I love Facebook poking. I love poking other people, but I absolutely despise when they poke me. It's so friggin annoying. It's like, "Hi, I'm here, do you see me?" I KNOW YOU'RE THERE STOP POKING ME!!!

What would it look like if God had a Facebook? Would you poke Him? Would He poke you? Would there now be an option that only God could use called "give Skittles"? Would there be a human option called "eat Skittles"? I hope so. That would be so cool.

First of all, to poke God, He would have to be a physical being. And then I'd like to imagine that if God were a physical being and you could poke Him, then your finger would become eternal as well. It would be like *poke* "Oh crap I think my finger just destroyed the space-time continuum!" That would be weird. Fingers turning eternal could cause all sorts of problems to the universe.

I think it would be kinda pointless to poke God, because it's like, "hey God, when am I gonna get that raise/job/new car/acceptance letter to Jesus Power Holiness Bible College of Jesus?" Seriously. Chill out. God knows you're there and He knows what you want, and if it's supposed to happen then you'll get what you want eventually. I'm really glad God doesn't get annoyed by my theoretical "poking" Him all the time. Because if He got annoyed how I get annoyed when people Facebook poke me, I think that all Christians would be in deep doo-doo. We'd be in danger of being smitten all the time. That would kinda suck. I'm glad that God's merciful and doesn't get pissed when we remind Him of stuff like we think He would forget or something.



--DREW EDIT--

i am honored to have been given the privilege of being an editor of the awesome (or as Christy would call it, awes) KC’s Jesus blog, and me and kara decided we would work on this one cooperatively. so you’ll see me every now and then.

so, kara’s just talked about poking God. but what about a situation in which God pokes us? not in the sense that you’d get a notification on facebook (“you’ve been poked by Jesus Christ!! take revenge and poke Jesus back!), and not that a finger emitting blinding light would appear out of nowhere and poke your shoulder, cause that would be plain out freaky (someone should add that to the SuperPoke app). but more so in the form of an occasional and/or emotional nudge at your conscience that im sure many of us have felt, from atheists to the firmest believers.

everyone makes mistakes, everyone turns their back on God every day, all the time. imagine you have a friend you love with all your soul who suddenly begins to ignore you or try to avoid you. Would you not try to get their attention? hello, i still exist you know, and I still love you. HELLLLOO I THOUGHT WE WERE BFF’S YO WHAT HAPPENED?!? we may poke them in the back, or if that seems too obnoxious, we might attempt to reach them by phone or talk in person so you can be noticed by him/her again. maybe he/she will reject you again, but maybe its worth the risk to try and get him/her to be friends with you again.

feel like you are getting poked? is your conscience telling you to not lie or steal? do you feel guilty for not going to church? can you feel something in the air reminding you that you haven’t prayed or read your bible in a while? if you feel lost or alone, turn back around to God! respond to His pokes, His attempts at getting you to run back to Him. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect and constantly do these things because He knows we can’t, but He would love the occasional phone call. just dial 555-JESUS-SAVES its toll free!

#10. Harvest Moon is eating my life and the "That's a church, really?!?" fictional or not-so-fictional religious movement guessing game.

Help... me...
I just spent 3 hours playing Harvest Moon, totally not realizing how much time I spent.

Aside from that, imagine this scenario:
You: (walk into this random building on the side of the road with a giant cross on top, you get closer and you notice a large sign that says "GraceTruthLifeNorth Holiness Church Of God Who Likes To Make People Feel Comfortable Jesus Power Church")
Mr. Hand Out The Bulletins Guy: Hey, um, this isn't really a bulletin but it's a piece of shiny paper with a blank calendar on it. Use it to write down what whoever says or you can doodle on it or whatever. Welcome to our "ministry".
You: So, um, where am I supposed to go?
Mr. Hand Out The Bulletins Guy: Oh, you can go into the sanctuary. There's coffee and fluffy couches that you can sit on. The best part is, you're allowed to drink coffee in there! Don't worry about spilling it. Jesus will zap it to oblivion and there won't be a stain anymore.
You: I bet the coffee's delicious. (walks into sanctuary) So what's supposed to happen here?
Guy beside you eating a sandwich: Well, we don't really have a service, but sometimes people get up there and they start singing, or they start preaching. There's about 40 different people who do that, and hopefully there will be someone out here listening. The main reason we don't have set service times is because we like to make people feel comfortable. Also, there's earbuds connected to the armrests of the couches so in case whatever the guy says doesn't interest you, you can listen to some David Crowder songs to the tune of Slipknot.
You: Great. (shudders)


So, how did you like GraceTruthLifeNorth Holiness Church Of God Who Likes To Make People Feel Comfortable Jesus Power Church? I thought it was kinda sketchy.

1.18.2009

#9. Absolutely Zero

I'm going to try out this thing called being philosophical on occasion. See if I'm good at it. If I can pull it off and still manage to ensue hilarity. I hope you enjoy this, and if you don't, please fight the urge to stone me with Skittles.

So on Sunday, in STFL (Student Theological Foundations for Leaders, in case you didn't know) we were talking about how God is outside of time and whatnot. Which is weird, but cool, albeit confusing. So I turned on the "what should I write in my blog" portion of my brain and began thinking of a logical reason for God being outside of time, besides the obvious, "He's God so He can do whatever He wants." and the, "He's eternal." No really? Really. But everyone knew that. Really.

So I started thinking about the definition of time. Basically time is defined as linear. And time can only happen when atoms are in motion, as in vibrating and bouncing off of each other. Absolute zero is defined as the temperature at which atoms stop moving completely. Therefore when something reaches absolute zero, time no longer exists for said object.

Although God is not an object, made up of atoms and molecules, and temperature does not apply to God, I think if a physical object could theoretically be ushered into His presence, then by being in the presence of God, it would freeze the object to absolute zero, and this object would cease to exist inside of time.

I would write more, but being philosophical is not something I do naturally, and I think I might explode.
Speaking of explode, atoms will explode at absolute zero, and therefore cease to exist at all.

1.17.2009

#8. The 12th Commandment

Why the 12th? Because the 11th is already taken by the rule that says you have to stack your chairs. What is the 12th commandment you might ask? To find that out, we have to look deep into the beliefs of The Way International. Most of you hear that song in your head as soon as I mention TWI. You thought I was done talking about them. But I'm not. More weird ridiculousness to come. Where is this 12th commandment? You say, "How come I've never seen this in the Bible before?" It is in the Bible. Written in invisible ink. I've seen it. How did I see it? Because God gave me the ability to see invisible stuff. Yes. 12.316 JCPs.

What is this 12th commandment, and how did it come about? The answers to all these questions and more can be revealed when you join The Way International. All you have to do is sell your soul to the cult leader and you will know. Actually, you can know right here. And I'm not in a cult. It's all on their wikipedia page. Some ex-cultist probably posted it. You should stone them for sharing the cult secrets.

The story of how the 12th commandment came about:
Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made.

He said to the woman, "Hey Eve, come over here, I have an apple for you." And the serpent, which was the devil manifested himself in the form of another woman and Eve had hot lesbian sex an apple eating contest with the devil.


Skip over to Exodus:
And God spoke and said "you shall have no other Gods before me"
and He gave some other commandments
and then He said "Thou shalt stack your chairs. That is the 11th Commandment."
and then He said 'Thou shalt not have lesbian sex with the devil. That is the 12th Commandment."

So that's how it all went down in Bibletown.
Please don't stone me or call me a heretic.

Happy (almost) Sunday! Watch this weird video.

video

this is probably why I didn't want to be a Christian in middle school. I'm not entirely sure, but the probability is about 80%.

#6. Holy Acronyms For The Modern Christian

We all know various text and instant messaging acronyms such as WTF, LOL, BRB and whatnot. We all think we know what they mean, but do we really? Lets find out.

  1. WTF. Worldly meaning: "what the @#$!" Actual meaning: "why the fruit?" Use this phrase at a potluck when someone brings fruit instead of that fried chicken that everyone was anticipating. Best used at a Southern Baptist church. No one eats fruit in the South. Come on, what was that northerner who recently relocated to Georgia thinking? Not about loving others apparently, because if they were thinking about that they would have bought greasy fried foodstuffs.
  2. LOL. Worldly meaning: "laugh out loud" Actual meaning: "love our Lord" This is what you say in the middle of a worship service or when the pastor says something really really really holy in the sermon. Most appropriate tacked onto the end of the last song, right before the guy starts praying. Like this: "LOL!!! LOL!!!" "dear Jesus.... amen" "LOL!!! LOL!!!"
  3. BRB. Worldly meaning: "be right back" Actual meaning: "be really boring" What is said to certain pastors before they go on stage and start preaching. You can tell if this was said to your pastor by how many people in your vicinity are sleeping.
  4. FTW. Worldly meaning: "for the win" Actual meaning: "for the worship" This is how members of the worship team communicate to each other what instruments to use in the worship service. Guitarist: "make sure to bring your upright bass FTW." Bassist: "kk. LOL!!!"
  5. IMHO. Worldly meaning: "in my humble opinion" Actual meaning: "in my holy opinion" This should be used to point out in a non-intrusive manner that you should do something a certain way because it is more holy and Jesus will love you more for doing it that way. i.e. there is a person sitting down reading the Message in place of an actual Bible and scribbling something down in their Jesus journal. Another person, who is clearly more holy than previously mentioned person, walks up to them and says, "I think you should be using the Word of God for your Bible study instead of the word of Eugene Peterson, IMHO. Try this ESV Bible. I just happen to have an extra and it just happens to be in my bag right now, so you can have it."
  6. BBL. Worldly meaning: "be back later" Actual meaning: "bring big labels" If you ever find yourself going on a mission trip with a bunch of legally blind old people, this phrase can be used. In the meeting before the packing party, just tell everyone to "BBL to the packing party" that way when everyone is looking for their suitcase it will say BOB on it in big red letters. A lot bigger than that. Like the size of the nearest piano to where you are sitting.
Anything I left out? Comments por favor.

1.16.2009

adendum to previous post

also,
in Harvest Moon you plant seeds. Like the sower in that parable. Yeah. What now? I have a holy analogy. 3 in one week. I get 549.127 JCPs. Why? Because I made up JCPs so I can give out as many as I want. Anyway, check out Matthew 13, then play Harvest Moon and try to tell me with a straight face that you don't hear the voice of what you imagine Jesus to sound like telling to to till the soil and pull up the weeds before you plant the turnips/potatos/corn/cucumbers/strawberries.

Video Games All Christians Should Play And Why

so for those of you who don't know, I am a huge gamer, I absolutely adore video games. I can play for hours on end and never get bored. It's great really. Here are some games that every Christian should play and why I think you should play them.

1. Bibleman: The Fight For Faith
Basically you're this Jesus-loving, children-saving super guy that wears the armor of God as mentioned in Philippians and you solve puzzles and fight bad guys. How awesome is that? The reason you should play this is because it has the word Bible in the name. Yes, it's a cheesy Christian themed game, but it's good.

2. Saints Of Virtue
Probably the only not-cheesy Christian themed game ever. I mean basically you fight the seven deadly sins. It's like Pilgrim's Progress but a lot less boring and with a sword. It came out in 1999 and it's still great. It's like the Christianised version of DOOM. The level structure is similar-ish.

3. DOOM 64
Whoa! Hold up there!! Did you say DOOM? The most controversial game of the 90s?
Yes. I did say DOOM. Let me tell you why before you leg-drop an old lady or throw Skittles through your computer screen at me. The reason I say DOOM is because you kill demons. I mean, nothing gets more Christian superhero than killing demons. I mean, all Christians wish they could slay demons, and some super awesome Christians actually can! I don't recommend for anyone under 14. Download a Nintendo 64 emulator and DOOM 64 here (emulator) and here (game).

4. Quake 64
For the same reasons as DOOM. Get Quake 64 from a torrent.

5. Harvest Moon 64
Ever wanted to be Amish but not sacrifice electricity? Ever wanted to be a Mennonite that lives on a farm in Kansas and only speaks German? Now's your chance (minus the German part). Nothing gets more conservative Christian-y than farming. And you can't argue with me, because you will lose, I will hold out my epic fail fists, and you will then get rick rolled and forced to shut down your computer and Skittles will fall out of the sky. Anyway, farming is great. Just tape some Bible verses to the screen as you play or give your person a Bible name like Hezekiah and then you have the Amish experience right in front of you. Download it here and play it on the previously mentioned emulator.

Comment so I feel special! What games can you loosely tie in to have something to do with Christianity?

1.15.2009

John Calvin Points

Disclaimer: this is a Calvinist-attracting post, but hopefully you Arminians will get some enjoyment out of it as well.

I think JCPs (John Calvin Points) would best be explained by the 5 W's and the H. Who, What, Where, When, Why, How. Finally, I use something I learned in middle school.

Who: The points are named after John Calvin. He's a reformer, but I assume if you're reading this you are probably like, "why are you telling me this? I learned this at my private Christian school/homeschool/youth group/sermon." but I just gotta make sure.

What: John Calvin Points and John Calvin Demerits (JCDs)

Where: anywhere there are 2 or more Calvinists gathered together

When: anytime. you can give these out at a normal time, or if you're on a retreat or something, you can wake everyone up, and randomly give them JCPs, but they might give you JCDs for waking them up.

Why: Why not?

How: John Calvin Points and John Calvin Demerits follow a very complex system. When you give out points, it is either 1 point, or some random number with at least 2 decimal places. Like this: 23.41 JCPs!!! JCDs subtract from your total number of JCPs. JCDs must always be an integer. For instance, if you have 23.41 JCPs but then you get 2 JCDs you would have 21.41 JCPs. Yes, I expect you to remember your exact number of points. If you get negative JCDs it's like gettting JCPs, because it actually adds to your score. Just like in math when there is two minus signs you add it. Negative JCDs (let's call these NJCPs, the N is for Ninja) must be lacking decimal places and it can be non-random numbers (i.e. 2 or 10). If you give out JCPs that is a prime number you get half that amount added to your own score, but if you think about it then you don't get them.

Here's a little list to help you figure out what gets points and what gets demerits:

1. Reading this blog: 14.26 JCPs

2. Reading the ESV: 12.31 JCPs

3. Reading the NIV: 1 JCD

4. Using The Message in place of an actual Bible in a sermon or Bible study: 500 JCDs (it's gonna be pretty hard to get out of the negatives after this one)

5. Eating all the cookies at your discipleship group: 3 JCDs

6. Baking cookies for your discipleship group: -3 JCDs (you just might get those points back after all)

7. Responding to my facebook chat: 12.43 JCPs

8. Not responding to my facebook chat: 21 JCDs

9. Releasing a worship eagle into the main auditorium: 27.6221 JCPs

10. Commenting on this post: 12.69 JCPs

comments please :D

Building Fires

So today in language arts class we watched this movie. My teacher said the guy doesn't talk at all so I was all, "this is going to be really boring..." of course thinking to myself as to not make my teacher more angry at me than she already was or is (hard to say considering she's being nice to me so far... maybe its the fact that everyone has a 100 average right now). So basically we watched this movie with this dude and his dog searching for gold in Alaska. Its called To Build A Fire and its an old, low budget film with bad acting based on the Jack London short story of the same title.

In the story, not the movie, it starts out with this old dude telling our main character (who doesn't have a name) that he shouldn't build a fire under a tree. That doesn't sound like something you would keep at the forefront of your mind, because if you are in Alaska in the winter you have more important things to think about, like not dying in the -75 F degree weather. Anyway, our main dude thought this old guy was an idiot and didn't think twice about what he said.

This guy that is in Alaska has this really smart dog named Pepper. His animal instinct is legit. If it wasn't for this dog, the guy would have died in the first 5 minutes. Then there would have been no point for Jack London to write about him anymore because he would be dead. His dog was like making sure they didn't fall through the ice and stuff like that, because dogs know where the ice is thin and stuff like that.

The first fire this guy built was not under a tree (good job) so he rested and ate some biscuits and then he tried to leave, but his dog didn't want to go. The dog was all "You idiot! There's a fire right there and you're going to risk your life by going away from it?" Ok the dog didn't actually talk but if he could, he would have said that. He also would have leg-dropped the guy, stolen his skittles, and a youth group van would fall out of the sky and he would drive it as far away from the stupid guy as possible.

So he finally got his dog to go and they went on their way. The guy (who is already established as dumb) decided to walk ahead of the dog on the ice. He broke the ice and his foot fell in. The guy was like "oh crap my foot's gonna freeze, I better build a fire." So he went, sat under a tree, forgetting completely about the old dude's advice and started building a fire right there.

So he gets the fire going, attempts to cut off his shoe, and guess what, snow falls out of the tree, on to the fire and puts it out. This guy just lost the game. Epic fail. Game over. He's gonna get hypothermia and die.

Now for the reason I am telling you all of this. Say the old guy at the beginning represents God, the dog (trying to help the dude make right decisions) represents the Holy Spirit and the dumb guy is you (no offense).

Think about that for a second. This story could be applied to anything really. Like at the beginning, God tells you these rules, or tells you not to build a fire under a tree, and if you follow them you won't get yourself in as much crap as you would if you didn't. The Holy Spirit goes with you everywhere and is kind of like a super upgraded version of your conscience and tells you to follow what God says to do (not to step on certain parts of the ice) and you'll be ok. But the guy doesn't listen. You don't listen. I don't listen. We never listen. Because we think we know better or just because we want to do it ourselves. You can't do it yourself. So this guy tries to go on without the dog and he gets himself stuck in a bad situation. Then his foot freezes and he dies.

Hopefully any situation that you or I get ourselves into won't end in hypothermia and dying, but do you see what happens?

First Post and Sanctified Swear Words

Well, this is, I guess, the slightly more holy counterpart to my other blog. I'm saying that because this is my Christianised blog. Sometimes I'll post about theology, or something I learned that day, and sometimes I'll post something funny. Sometimes I'll post something totally different and you will so surprised you'll think Jesus just told me to leg-drop you.

Anyway, here's my take on sanctified swear words.

1. Fudge:
We all know what it means, and we all know what is implied. The truth is, whenever I say this, I'm thinking something else. And it's a proven fact that 99% of Christians and 12% of Christian gophers are as well. And I would assume that you're thinking of something else as well. Unless you're at a potluck (because all Christians like potlucks), and someone brings actual fudge, then out of sheer excitement might you scream "fudge!!!!!" and mean it.

2. Sugar:
First of all, what the crap? Where does anyone see an 'h' in this word? Nowhere. I say we boycott the English language until they start spelling how they pronounce or vice versa. Second of all, I might just be inclined to use this word to express my hate for the seemingly bad, albeit correct spelling of this word. i.e. "SUGAR!! Man, I hate how they spell that word, 'sugar'." Or something like that.

3. Gosh darn it
Seriously, I don't even have anything funny to say about this one, well maybe I do, that anyone who says this should be leg dropped severely and have skittles thrown at them from the balcony. No one is not thinking about something else when they say this. It's just dumb. I'd rather someone take the Lord's name in vain around me than to say this. In my opinion it's worse, because you're trying to cover up the fact that you're taking God's name in vain and it's not working. Epic fail.

4. Freakin
This word is freakin legit. Nuff said.

I'm sure there are a lot of sanctified swear words that I missed. Comments please.