1.24.2009

#14. Describe Grapefruit/Ascribe Greatness to the Lord Our God.

Here's a collection of weird Christian stuff and some misheard church songs and whatnot. Happy Saturday!

Bringing In The Sheeves, or bringing in the cheese. This goes back to Harvest Moon and all the farming. Once the cheese is done curdling, you can bring it in, and sing this song.

Amazing Grace. You know that part about the dangers, the toils and the snares? What about the "dangerous toys and snails"? "Mommy, are any of my toys the dangerous ones?"

You know how in that song Everlasting God it says "You're the defender of the weak"? Sometimes, if you're a little tired you start thinking that God won some kind of soccer award.

Christ Arose. It says "up from the grave He arose", but there are so many kids that hear "up from the gravy, a rose". Imagine Thanksgiving dinner. "Mommy, is a rose gonna come out of the gravy? I don't want thorns on my turkey."

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. One of my favourite songs ever. Seriously. But, I can't tell you how many people have heard "O Love that will not let me know..."
"What won't the love let me know? I'm full of suspense... TELL ME!!"

Deck The Halls. "See the grazing mule before us" is actually "see the blazing yule before us". I still hear that even though I know the right words.

A note on irrelevance. I hate being called irrelevant. Most people do, especially pastors. I'm thinking if a pastor wants to be really relevant, and get lots of compliments on how relevant his sermon was, he should make a holy analogy about counting the lights in the auditorium, or the cushiness or lack thereof in the chairs, or compare Jesus to walking into church that morning or something like that. You would get so many relevance points for that.

Here's some irrelevant Christian weirdness:

1. The Football Bible. Because the best outreach to football players is making a Bible about football. Jesus didn't play football.

This Bible comes complete with tips on how to Christianize your football lingo and also has 50 blank playbook pages!


2. Ezekiel 4:9 foods. I don't know what these are made out of, but if I had a guess it would be food made out of little pieces of paper with Ezekiel 4:9 written on them. I don't even know what that verse says. But I bet the people who eat this do, because they are holier than I am.



3. Walk In The Light Bible flashlight. I wouldn't have any problem with this, but it makes me think of the most tiring song about Jesus ever created. It basically involves singing really really really fast and "walking in the Light".


4. Bible Bar. If you want to be really holy you should eat this, and this alone. As you can see, this is nutrition God's way. So if you only ate this, you would have a perfect body and no health problems. Sign me up for the Deuteronomy Diet!



Got any misheard church songs or irrelevance you would like to share? Comment!


--DREW EDIT--
i think this jesus action figure fits perfectly with this post

"with poseable arms and gliding action!"
...yeah.

5 comments:

sherri said...

Nothing to add but this was hilarious!

Well, I do remember when my youngest was about 4, we were in the car sining Christmas songs and he said his favorite was "Police Barbie Doll."

We were all like "WHAT?" Finally we figured it out.

It was "Feliz Navidad"!

He's 19 now, and we still sing it loudly "POLICE BARBIE DOLL!" I think he hates me, but that's Okay, I can't stop myself!

KC said...

haha
that's worthy of John Calvin points. I don't know how many. That totally sounds like it says "police barbie doll"

Haagen-dazs said...

you cant get into heaven if you dont buy that jesus christ action figure thing

KC said...

do you mean the God-Jesus 3000 robot?

Haagen-dazs said...

nope but i do mean the thing i just edited in